Oops. Did I say "terrorist"? I meant "preparedness".

Regardless, September (or, as I like to call it, "Scaretember") has been named National Preparedness Month by the Department Of Homeland Security/Committee To Scare People Into Voting For Bush, so it seems especially fitting this month to spend some time with "Mr. Homeland Security", the unofficial Department spokesperson.

Q: How do you respond to allegations that this move is nothing more than a cheap election year ploy to scare the American people into reelecting President Bush?

A: Through interpretive dance. For instance, right now I am performing the Dance Of A Thousand Feet Up Your Ass. It's quite touching.

Q: My swarthy-looking neighbors have not accepted Jesus H. Christ as their personal Lord, Savior, and Tax Advisor. They also eat a lot of falafel and hummus. Should I turn them into your Department?

A: You just did.

Q: Is it possible for someone to be pro-choice and still support the troops?

A: No.

Q: Are all hybrid cars the work of Satan?

A: Only the smaller, Jap-built ones. Right now, the decent, God-fearing people of General Motors, in conjunction with the law-abiding corporate citizens of Halliburton, are designing a new hybrid Hummer H2 that will get an incredible 12 miles per gallon! Take that, you stupid "What Would Jesus Drive?" hippie pukes!

Q: Speaking of hippies, why isn't it legal to shoot them?

A: I don't want to give anything away, but trust me, after we suspend the elections... wait, I've said too much.

Q: Why aren't all cable news networks as "fair and balanced" as FOX News?

A: Once we pass the Patriot Act II, they will be.

Q: Two weeks ago, my youngest boy said he wanted French toast for breakfast. Do you think it's okay to let him out of the basement now?

A: I'd wait one more week.

Q: Why do Democrats hate America?

A: Better to ask, "Why is the sky blue?" Or, "Why does the Pope shit in his funny hat?" I don't know. They just do.

Q: Were you serious when you advised people that duct tape and plastic sheeting will save them from a terrorist attack?

A: Not only that, but buying them in large quantities will help spur the economy.

Q: My mother-in-law says that His Lordship John Ashcroft believes calico cats are a sign of Satan. Is there anyway I can convince her otherwise? I also think she went to Berkeley.

A: Is your mother-in-law June Hannin of Delaware, Ohio?

Q: Yes.

A: She won't be bothering you anymore.

Q: Why did you pick Scaretember to be National Preparedness Month? Since Halloween is in October, wouldn't that be a scarier choice?

A: As all good Republichristians know, Halloween is an evil, pagan holiday, which we do not celebrate or acknowledge. And it would take attention away from our "October Surprise".

Q: Is the "October Surprise" when you're planning to announce the "capture" of bin Laden?

A: Actually, the "October Surprise" was going to be suspending the elections, but that bin Laden thing's not a bad idea, either.

Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A: Three.

Q: Will Britney and Justin ever get back together?

A: Perhaps, if Justin stops insisting on anal every time they have sex. The strap-on he forced Britney to wear has a tendency to chafe.

Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that Rudy Giuliani will be replacing Dick Cheney on the Republican ticket because of Cheney's weak heart?

A: Absolutely not. In fact, we had Vice-President Cheney's heart removed in early 2002 to prevent such problems.

Q: Can I bear your children?

A: No. I can hardly bear myself.

Q: Isn't this bit a cheap rip-off of Dave Barry's "Ask Mister Language Person"?

A: It wouldn't be quite so cheap if Insane Wayne actually paid any of his writers.