1. Chocolate For All Dogs

Dogs suck. Why do people feel the need to have a dirty, slobbering, extremely needy animal in their house? I cannot stand when someone's dog runs up and starts jumping on me and licking me with its funk breath. I say we mobilize and have some sort of Project Mayhem shit going on and make sure all the dogs of the world are fed as much chocolate as they need in order for them to croak. Or we take them to the local Chinese restaurant and let the Chinamen do what they want with them.

2. Furry (Dry-Roasted) Peanuts

I haven't met a person yet who didn't want to finish the whole jar in one sitting. Not only is the taste of these salty (yet sweet) peanuts exquisite, but their furry texture will have your tongue making sweet love to them.

3. No Job

If you have a job, get rid of it. Life's much better without having to answer to some fucking conservative boss who makes more money in one year than you'll ever have in your entire life. Of course, with no job, you'll be living off of nothing but furry peanuts for sustenance. Even better!

4. Bob Odenkirk

You may have to stalk him for a while, then kidnap him, but it's definitely worth the risk of being arrested.

5. Ugly Duckling - Taste The Secret

Due to the fact that there is a lot of shitty music out there (and partly due to my A.D.D.), it's rare that I can sit through an entire CD. And it's even rarer that I enjoy every song on the CD. Ugly Duckling's Taste The Secret controls my A.D.D. and puts a little more funk in my step. Fuck the Ritalin, kids! Just run out and taste the secret!