Dear Lassie,

Being a dog, I don't know if you can read. And being, I think, dead, you probably don't read tastes like chicken. But I'm taking a chance here anyway.

See, I never even wanted a dog until I saw you on television. What a fine specimen you are! So loyal! So handy in a tight spot! If you would be my dog, I would feed you the best dog food. None of that dry crap. We're talking canned, gourmet dog food all the way. And I'd play catch with you-- all that shit dogs like.

So think about it, Lassie. We could be quite the pair. Get back to me.

The man to your best friend,

- D.J.