DADE CITY, FL - County Sheriff Carlos Alvarze made a grisly discovery Thursday when he came across the mutilated remains of a human body along Highway 301.

Certain that the bloodied corpse was not that of a local resident, he checked with the police departments of neighboring cities. He soon discovered that the body was that of Edwin Gutierrez of Tampa.

“I knew he wasn’t a Dade Citian, since we haven’t had any reports of missing persons,” said Alvarze of the finding. “And he wasn’t an Orlandonian or a Brooksvillian. Turns out he was a Tampon.”

The investigation to solve this mystery is currently underway.