Fuck this.

If you tell me that I cannot have this moment, this piece of my life that means more and more to me every day-- then fuck this.

If you tell me that I am doomed to keep making this same mistake over and over again-- then fuck it all!

I want it all torn down.

I want it all destroyed.

Every brick reduced to dust.

Every word erased and scratched out.

Every fleck of color turned grey.

Everything that I have ever held dear smashed and pushed beneath the mud.

Every plant and animal ground up into a paste and covered with thick clods of rancid dirt.

If I cannot have this, then I do not want anything.

The rusting and the decomposition are taking too long.

I want it done now!

I want to see the buildings burning.

I want to choke on the soot.

I want my eyes to tear up from the searing stench of chemicals emerging from your living room as I torch it.

I want it to make me sick.

I want to be destroyed by it.

I want to kill until it no longer makes me cry.

I want to destroy until it becomes an abstract idea to me-- until objects have lost all meaning.

I want to be the machine that takes it all away, that wipes the slate clean, that takes us back to zero.

I want to turn it all into a giant Zen garden.

Rake it flat and smooth, and then just walk away.

Fuck this.