CHICAGO, IL - Chicago resident, Benjamin Dorney, is taking the owners of Sternwell’s Family Market to court for the $317 he claims they owe him.

Dorney had been collecting coupons for years so that he might cash them in for their actual cash value; a value which ranges anywhere from 1/1000 of a cent to 1/100 of a cent. With a final total of 4,579,841 coupons, Dorney was astounded and devastated to learn that his neighborhood market would not honor them.

"Every day for the last 13 years I woke up early to sift through my neighbor's trash," said Dorney. "But these bastards are trying to tell me that my coupons don’t count for a hill of beans, or some such rubbish! It took me three weeks to add up all them things. I lost my job and my dog, Smitty. This ain’t fair."

Representatives from Sternwell’s declined to comment.